Heal me Today

It’s been almost two years since my life changed in a way I could never have imagined.

It started innocently — with a message from my husband’s colleague. She confessed her feelings to him, saying she didn’t expect anything in return, that it was her issue, but she had learned in life to speak openly about what she feels. Back then, my husband and I were just surprised by it. We didn’t realize it was the beginning of the end of our marriage.

The truth is, our marriage hadn’t been working for a long time. I just didn’t want to accept it. I kept fighting for years — alone. It felt like being a child playing in a sandbox, while another child sits next to you, watching… but never joining. Building their own castle instead.

I kept fighting. But I didn’t win.

Over time, our marriage truly fell apart. And now, like so many others, I find myself going through a divorce. In this, we are not alone. It’s hard for all of us. And yes, I still feel anger, disappointment, and sadness.

But I believe that what once began will also come to an end. That one day, I will find peace within myself. That this won’t shake me anymore. That I will simply smile when he says he has done nothing wrong.

If he truly believes that, who am I to convince him otherwise? That is his truth. Mine is different.

Not everything that went wrong was his fault. I made mistakes too. I broke things as well.

But there is one question I keep asking — and I offer it to you as a reflection:

How can someone know they are doing something wrong if you never tell them?

How can they understand that their words or actions hurt you if you pretend everything is fine?

I didn’t have the chance to learn and change. I wasn’t given the opportunity. No one held up a mirror for me. And that is something I truly regret. Maybe things could have turned out differently… or maybe not. We will never know.

Today, I am picking up the papers from my lawyer. I will sign them and wait for the court’s decision.

Do I think I will feel relief?

Will I be happy when the decision comes?

I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel. I don’t know what to think.

But I do believe that, with time, everything will settle. That this will become just a distant, unpleasant memory — one that no longer hurts.

And I believe that something good and beautiful is still waiting for me.

Because yes… I deserve it. After everything I’ve learned about life and about myself over these past two years.