Heal me Today

As I promised, I’m writing now that the mediation regarding our divorce and custody has taken place.

The session is behind us.

Because we had already tried to reach agreements before the official meeting, we walked in with a fairly clear idea of what we both wanted. In the end, we agreed on everything.

But I want to share the emotional experience that followed.

I expected relief.

I expected some sense of closure.

Maybe even anger.

Instead, I feel only sadness.

A different kind of sadness.

It’s not the kind you feel when you lose someone to death. That grief, as deep as it is, carries a certain finality. You know you won’t see them again. You pray. You hope they are in a better place.

This is something else.

This is a sadness so deep and vast not because I lost a husband, not because he chose another woman, not even because he stopped loving me.

It is the grief of losing a family.

The grief of losing a dream.

I once dreamed of a beautiful, healthy, happy family. I saw it clearly. I believed in it. And watching that dream dissolve right in front of my eyes has hurt more than any broken heart ever could.

I loved faithfully.

I loved honestly.

I loved with my whole heart.

Right now, I feel like second-hand goods — even though I know that isn’t the truth. For a while, I may feel that way, and that’s something I must allow myself to move through. It is part of healing. And that is okay.

To anyone going through a similar — or even the same — kind of trauma: it is okay to feel bad. It is okay to grieve. Your sadness is proof that you loved sincerely.

And I know — I truly believe — that I will feel better soon.

What matters is that the process has begun. And when something begins, it will eventually end. This chapter is closing.

This is how it was meant to be.

And I will finally be able to step into a new chapter of my life.

Not from the beginning — because I am not starting from zero. I have lived, loved, learned, grown.

So new chapter, welcome.

Wait just a little longer until I greet you with a smile.

I just need a few more deep breaths first.