Heal me Today

The divorce process has officially begun.

After our last argument in January, I realized it was finally time to seek legal advice — at least to understand my options and figure out how to handle this situation as peacefully as possible. The meeting with the lawyer took place. I learned what I needed to know. And then came the harder part: telling him.

Four days passed between my meeting with the lawyer and my conversation with him. During those four days, I lived with an unbearable migraine. It stayed with me even two days after we spoke. Stress has a way of speaking through the body when words are too heavy.

The good news? He agreed that we should move forward with an agreement. We now have a mediation meeting scheduled where everything will be put on paper.

But what mattered most to me during that conversation wasn’t just that I was prepared with facts. I prepared myself emotionally. I made a decision that no matter what, I would tell him the truth about how I feel.

And I did.

I told him openly that I don’t trust him. That at this moment, after all the pain and suffering he caused, I don’t think anything good about him. He was surprised. It seemed to affect him — at least that’s how it looked. But after years of living in pretense and manipulation, I no longer assume that what I see is what is real.

Still, something shifted.

Now I am adjusting to the thought that we are not only separated — but that the real, official ending is coming soon. Not “one day.” Not “maybe.” Soon.

I cannot say that I am happy about it. I also cannot say that I am devastated in the way people might expect. What I feel is grief. Deep sadness.

Because even though I know I cannot live with him anymore, even though I do not wish for his return, losing my family — the family I dreamed of, the family I wanted so deeply — is incredibly painful.

I believe many women understand this feeling. The fear is not about losing a man. It is about losing a family. Anyone who truly loves their family knows this is the deepest fear.

So yes, I still feel sadness. I still feel pain.

But not for him.

For the dream that my family once was.

I will keep you updated. Until then, keep your fingers crossed that I navigate this chapter with strength and grace.