Heal me Today

I went quiet again for a while. I wanted to fully enjoy our very first Christmas with my daughter in our new home, without any distractions. And I can honestly say that even after such a short time living here, this place already feels like home. We feel wonderful here.

For me personally, I haven’t felt this good in years. This is my little paradise on earth. I feel safe, comfortable, and truly able to rest here. The house isn’t finished 100% yet, but that will come with time. I’m letting it reveal its soul to me, and I will continue shaping it with joy, little by little.

How were your Christmas holidays? Mine were calm and filled with family. The activities and wishes of my (still) husband mostly remained just spoken intentions. So far, his idea of how he wanted to spend time with our daughter hasn’t fully materialized, although I can’t say he wasn’t with her at all. I don’t want to judge or defend him — the truth is probably that he spends time with her as much as it suits him.

Interestingly, this also suits me, because I get to spend most of the time with my daughter. I no longer feel such intense stress or pressure when he is supposed to come. I see this as another step on my healing journey.

This year, I’ve decided to take care of myself — not only mentally, but physically as well. I’m planning a change of hairstyle and want to get into better shape, because my daughter and I have many travel plans ahead of us, and they require good physical condition. I’m excited.

Do you have any New Year’s resolutions? Do you believe in them? I have only one resolution this year — to read at least one book every month. That’s it. Everything else I do and achieve this year will simply be natural steps on my journey back to myself.

I’m learning to like myself again. And I’m starting to truly enjoy my own company.

During my time offline, there were also difficult days, I admit. Together with my therapist, we concluded that I am dealing with Stockholm syndrome. What matters most, though, is that I’ve named it — and now I can work on it. I realized that I try very hard to believe there is always something good in people, something worth valuing. Slowly, I’m learning that this is not always the case.

This realization itself feels like a big step forward.

Is there anyone here who has managed to overcome this syndrome? I would truly appreciate hearing your experience. Please write to me — I would be grateful.