Heal me Today

I’m just on my way home from vacation.

Yes… that vacation—the one where the three of us went together, despite everything that’s happened.

How did it go?

Well… I survived.

There were tough moments, of course. Moments when everything felt heavy, broken, awkward. But there were also moments when it was bearable—and even, in some places, quite nice. During those days, I did my best to draw some boundaries. I can only hope they fell on fertile ground.

The truth is, I can imagine having a friendly relationship with him. After all, we spent 20 years of our lives together. That kind of connection doesn’t just disappear. But if there is to be any kind of relationship between us in the future, it has to be built from the ground up—especially when it comes to trust, which right now doesn’t exist. And so far, nothing seems to be helping.

Every day feels like an emotional rollercoaster. Ten different moods swirl through me before the day is done. It’s not easy—for me, or probably for him. But I try. Not for him. For myself.

We’ve agreed he will move out. And I’ve thought about what would happen if I didn’t insist on it—if I just let it go. He told me he wouldn’t stay anyway, because he feels like a prisoner. That word hit hard. He said he’s felt that way for years.

And that shattered something in me.

Was I really such a terrible wife? Did he suffer in silence for years while I lived in hope—believing that if I just kept trying, if I kept fighting, we would be okay again?

Why would someone stay if they were so unhappy?

My mind can’t make sense of it. But I’m trying—really trying—to accept it. To respect that this is his truth, whether I understand it or not.

It’s not easy. But I know one thing for sure: This isn’t the kind of love I want.

If someone sees care, love, and effort as a burden, as imprisonment—then we are not meant to walk the same path anymore.

And that’s okay.

The message I want to leave here is this:

I will be okay.

Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow.

But in time—maybe even sooner than I expected—I will be more than okay.

I will be free.

I will be whole.

And I will be me again.