Heal me Today

I cannot — and will not — continue having endless conversations that only lead to more hurt, more confusion, more “snakes.” I’ve tried so hard to express what I feel, but words have limits, especially when the listener is no longer truly there.

And even though I know you may never read this, it’s important for me that my words go out into the world.

My dear…

What’s done is done. We can’t go back and undo it. Looking back at the problems and arguments, I believe they were just as painful for you as they were for me — me, desperately fighting for love and attention; you, perhaps lost in how to give them. Watching someone in pain is not easy. Living in that pain is even harder. We simply didn’t know how.

Maybe one day we’ll grow up a little more. Maybe we’ll understand. Maybe we’ll even make amends. I don’t know — anything is possible in life. That’s why I’m not closing the door completely. I’ll leave it ajar, so if ever there’s a reason, you’ll know it’s not locked.

Whether it’s possible, or whether we’ll even want it, I can’t say. All I know is: I understand. I understand what happened and why.

And despite everything, you will always be one of the most important people in my life. You were my best friend. You made me laugh when no one else could. You were someone I loved with all my heart, unconditionally. And I will carry that love with me for the rest of my life.

When there is a void, the love won’t disappear — I just won’t have anyone to give it to anymore. Because it was only ever meant for you.

But I’ve made peace with it. I’ve come to terms. I know there will still be hard days, but I will be happy again. I will live the life I deserve — a life full of love, joy, and the many beautiful experiences still waiting for me.

I still have so much to do.

Maybe one day our paths will cross again, beyond being parents to our daughter. Maybe not. For now, I am focusing on a fresh start, on new challenges. It won’t be easy to begin again, but I love challenges — and I will learn from this one.

I wish you love. Real love. The kind I felt for you. There is nothing more beautiful than loving someone and being loved in return. Even though we didn’t quite succeed, I loved with every fiber of my being. And I still do.

But I know I must now let that love go quiet. I must learn to live without you. And even though that will be hard — I will survive it. I will thrive.

I forgive you.

Because I’m ready to step out into the world.