Heal me Today

Yesterday was my first day since the breakup.
To tell you the truth, I’m just glad I survived it. I didn’t sleep, I didn’t eat, and I barely drank any water. The only positive thing I did for myself was practice Thai boxing, but even that drained me completely. In the evening, I had a couple of glasses of wine to help me sleep. It worked—but this morning, I woke up sick. Not from guilt, as one might think, but because my whole body ached from emotional pain.

All day yesterday and into this morning, I kept sending him messages. We were fighting, going in circles. After about the fifth message today, I stopped. I told myself: Enough. I will not humiliate myself. I will not beg. I will not waste another second pining for someone who now sees me as the source of his unhappiness. The truth is, he has become the source of mine, too.

So I took the easier step: I started imagining what I could do—for myself, and for my daughter. We haven’t figured everything out yet. He’s still staying with us for now, and we have two holidays planned that she’s really looking forward to. But I’ve made it clear this is a separation. After that, we say goodbye.

From this moment on, I will be strong. I will prove to myself who I truly am—a rational, emotional, wise, beautiful, kind, and strong woman.
Because I am enough.
I am enough.

So I started planning. While we’re away, he’ll look for an apartment—and I’ve decided to do the same. I’ll buy a new place, a fresh start. A new home for me and my daughter, filled with love, laughter, and peace. To help me stay grounded, I downloaded an affirmation app. It sends me daily reminders of who I am, what I have, and where I’m going.

Don’t think I’ve gotten over it in a day. I haven’t. I still can’t eat. I feel shaken, and there’s a dull ache inside. But I don’t want it to define who I am, or who I’m becoming. Why let pain poison every part of the day? I didn’t deserve this. And because I didn’t deserve it, I won’t let it break me.

Yes, there will be days when I want to give up. When I’ll feel the urge to call him or write again. But I won’t. Instead, I’ll write it all in my diary. If I need to say something aloud, I’ll record a voicemail—not to send, just to release it. Because I believe unspoken emotions, when suppressed, can harm us.

When I need to cry, I will. When I’m furious, I’ll hit something in the gym and let it out. I’ll hold onto gratitude for each day I have with my daughter. I’ll smile for her—and for myself. I believe that in time, maybe even sooner than I expect, I’ll be happy again. And when that moment comes, I’ll know how to handle my marriage—whether to mend it or move on.

But this time, I’ll be doing it with my value firmly in my hands. I will no longer accept less than I deserve.
Today, I continue—hurting, broken, but still hopeful. Still optimistic.
Because it will be okay.