Heal me Today

I have to admit with sorrow that after many long deliberations, conversations, arguments, lies, and disbelief, we’ve decided to separate—at least for some time.

Maybe this will be permanent, or maybe not.
Maybe he needs to hit rock bottom to realize what he’s lost.
Maybe I will discover what I’ve gained.
Maybe it will be too late… or maybe we’ll realize we were meant to walk through life together after all.

Whatever the outcome, I believe we’ll both emerge as winners.
Either we’ll come back together stronger than ever—or we’ll finally release something that has caused us years of pain.

Despite how hard I’ve fought, our relationship became mostly suffering. And no matter how much one person tries, if the other has shut the door, there’s only so much you can do.
You can’t beg forever. You can’t keep shrinking yourself.

I’m not giving up—on myself, or on the belief that something better is ahead.
Twenty years in a relationship is hard.
Twenty years in a dysfunctional one is harder.

It wasn’t always broken. But for years now, it has been.
And in my view, the root of the collapse is communication.
He never spoke. I spoke too much, and maybe not in the right way.
Some might say we were doomed, but I fought—and I still am.
For myself.
For our daughter.

So for now, I’m leaving the door open.
Not because I’m naive, but because of love—
Love for my daughter, for myself, and yes, still for him.

He has hurt me deeply. But I believe that nothing is so broken it can’t be mended… if both people want to fix it.
Right now, I’m the only one who still wants to try.
And if he doesn’t eventually meet me there, I will accept that.
That’s why he has to respect my choice to let him go—for now.

He has to leave… so that if he truly wants to come back, he can.
And only if I still want him to.

The only part that keeps me up at night is our daughter.
This is all happening at such a fragile age for her. I wanted to wait longer out of respect for her. I wanted to give him more time.
But I couldn’t.

Right now, I’m living through some of the worst days of my life.
I feel failure, pain, sadness, despair, anger—every horrible emotion possible.
But I also know… I won’t feel like this forever.
Because beauty still surrounds me.
I just have to find it in the dark.

So, if I can offer one piece of advice from my heart:
Don’t avoid communication. Don’t bottle it all up.
Find help. Speak. Express.
Because if you don’t, it will return at the worst moment—and by then, it may be too late to undo the damage.

Let’s keep our fingers crossed…
for healing, for growth, for peace.
Whatever shape that takes.